Friday, March 05, 2010

On February 22, 2010 I turned 45 years old. I find myself standing at the edge of a figurative cliff. Years and Years of financial problems weigh heavily on me. I cannot fathom a day when I can go to sleep without worrying about how to pay some bill or pay for an event coming up for the kids. I am lonely and bitter much so that I don't really even like myself, and I find myself treating those I love (for lack of a better explanation) like crap. I am 60 pounds overweight. I am depressed and sad most days, angry others. I am beginning to freak out about spending the next 20+ years of my life in this hell of apathy and hard times.

Looking back on my life, there were only a few times where I truly felt loved and/or worthy of love. Sexually abused in my early teens for years, boyfriends who used me, a husband who does not really express in actions that he loves me leaves me feeling as if I am not worthy of any compassion or love. Because of financial and other stresses, my marriage has become more like a cohabitation, and worse than that, my "roommate" often makes me feel as if I have the brain capacity of an ant. The fact that I have ADD and often get scattered and unable to express myself adequately when flustered does not help.

I went from years of not drinking alcohol to drinking nightly for quite a long time, with my children often making fun of me or admonishing me out of their fear I was becoming a drunk. Fortunately I have backed off and no longer drink nightly.

Recently an acquaintance left her husband and daughter for a younger man, gave up custody but does want the occasional fun "dates" with her daughter. While I am horrified and upset at her betrayal to both her husband and daughter, a small secret part of me in the place that no one ever sees wishes I could run away and go somewhere and be someone else. How sad is that???

Do not get me wrong, I really love my husband and my girls...I love my job and the friends I have made. But there has to be something more to life doesn't there? God is forever my savior but I feel as though he has turned away from me.

How do I get back? Is there even a way?

No comments: