Sunday, November 24, 2013

Thankful in 2013

Its been quite awhile since I've posted a blog entry in this blog.  So much has happened I don't even know where to begin.  Its been a year of endings, of loss, of change.  Facebook has been full of daily posts of thankfulness, even by me.  But as the month goes on it is becoming harder to find things to be thankful for.  Honestly its my state of mind that I need to change but its hard when so much of my life is not what I expected.

Yes I know that eventually I will be okay, that things will be okay.  But its getting there that is so hard.  Its a process I have to go through but I can't help wishing for a shortcut to get to being okay with being alone and on my own.

December 2, 2012.  My husband's 50th birthday.  He asked me if I was considering divorce and I was honest and said yes.  That was the day I said out loud what I knew was inevitable.  The truth is I had decided 3 years previously that our marriage was likely over.  I didn't stop trying to save it but I guess I knew in my heart that it would come to an end.  I've always know that.  We went to counseling early in 2013 in a last chance effort to save what was beyond repair.  We did try though.  By spring we both accepted the inevitable and in June we filed and I moved out.

The months following my departure have been so very hard.  I had to sell my horses as I couldn't afford to keep them.  The girls, though they visit me, live with their dad in the house.  I come home to an empty apartment every day.  I've spent many moments curled up in a ball reduced to tears and an overwhelming sense of failure and loss.  Even today, almost 6 months later I have moments filled with tears almost daily.

Our divorce was put on hold to file bankruptcy (another failure), which was finally taken care of this past week, so now the divorce can be taken off hold and proceed.  I'm anxious to have it finished and move on but I also dread the day it is final.  I wouldn't change my decision, but that doesn't make it any less hard for me, or for my ex I suppose.

But yet I do have things to be thankful for.  I've made many new friends, learned lots of lessons.  I have people who care about me and I have my girls.  Even through the darkness and ashes of what was, there is always light.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

The New Me...

I've been on a journey of self-discovery over the last year and a half.  Certain events helped change my outlook on who I am and what I want.  I'm not the same person I was back in August of 2010.  I remember thinking up to that point that I just needed to accept how things were for me.  I was overweight, that would never change.  I was unhappy and depressed most of the time.  I had VERY low self-esteem.  I felt used up.  

But, at the end of August of 2010, while driving home from my mom's house in Ohio, consumed with thoughts of how my life was, I decided something needed to change.  I was 45 years old.  I was unhappy and I suddenly got mad.  I was mad that this was where my life had ended up.  Very few of the hopes and dreams I had came true.  I was throwing my life away and caving in.  I was a passenger in my life sitting around and waiting for others to make me feel worthwhile.  How ridiculous it looks now, allowing others to dictate how I felt about myself.  I guess on the 4 hour drive back I came to the realization that the only one holding me back, was me.  I needed to stop waiting for everyone else to change how they treated me and start treating myself with the respect and love I was seeking.  

So I determined in that ride home that I was going to change.  I had a bucket list of things I wanted to accomplish and I was not going to just sit around and wait for the right moment...I was going to make those moments.  First one on the list was to join a gym.  I did this secretly.  I only told my oldest daughter because I was afraid that I might not stick with it.  I started going at lunch and working out and eventually signed up with a personal trainer - Greg.  My life has not been the same.  I work out religiously, and freak out if I miss more than two days in a row at the gym.  I lost 50 pounds and found a more self-confident, skinnier me.

Learning how to handle a gun was on my bucket list but I took it a step farther by wanting to get a concealed pistol license.  After all, if I am going to do something I might as well do it big!  On March 6, 2011 I signed up for a CPL class and found out I can shoot pretty good!  Finished the class and absolutely love shooting a gun.  New addition to the bucket list is "get my own gun".  I still have to get the actual license but its $105.00, almost have it saved up.

Then insanity hit and I decided I was going to do the Warrior Dash.  Anyone can do a 5K, but a 5K with obstacles is a whole other thing.  Again, why not go big!  My goal was just to complete the dash.  I was in better shape than I had been in a LONG time, but was still pretty big.  I completed the course in about an hour and a half and it was one of the most challenging things I have ever done.  I cannot even begin to explain the sense of accomplishment and elation I felt at the moment I crossed the finish line.  Of course my time wasn't the greatest but I completed the course!

Since starting this journey I have lost 50 pounds.  I am still getting used to the "new" me.  People treat me differently and its not necessarily because I am "skinnier", but because I seem to have a new found confidence that I haven't had in the past.  I still feel insecure but maybe not as much as I used to.  I actually accept compliments because I worked darn hard to get where I am.  I own every pound of fat I lost and I am proud of what I have done.

I've never actually felt more like myself than I do at 47.  I believe I have stopped being the best at what I felt others expected of me and just started being the best ME I could be.  Its a process, and I getting there slowly!

Monday, September 05, 2011

Written several months back...

There are no words that can come close to explaining the events of this week, especially the events of Monday, February 28, 2011. On this date, my friend of the past 16+ years, Shanda Yenglin took her own life and tried to take the lives of her adopted foster children. I cannot even process all the information that is coming in. The press is relentless in their pursuit of the most awful dirt they can dig up. I suppose next I'll be seeing her ex-husband on the news saying vile things about her, as he has done in the comment section of a local TV station's story.

I have so many, many "What the HELL were you thinking???" "How could you justify murder?", "Why did you abandon them?", "You gave everything for them, why would you hurt them so horribly?". I sit there contemplating these questions filled with anger that she did this. and then I cry and think "Why did you not call me?", "Why didn't I make more time for you?", "Why did God let this happen?", "Why did you do this?", "Why did you leave?"

She left this world in one of the most selfish ways possible, suicide, and left those who did not know her thinking she was a monster and that kills me inside because I always known her to be loving and generous person. Her smile lit up a room and her laughter was infectious. She was a hard-worker and a go-getter. She never stopped seeking after her dreams and NEVER turned her back on God, though times were really tough. She survived a failed marriage, breast cancer, an accidental drug overdose from breast cancer medications which was within minutes of killing her, difficulty with her children's behavioral problems, and ultimately the loss of her children to the system she tried to rescue them from. Each and every hurdle she hit head on with a positive attitude and faith in her creator, only to have another hurdle waiting.

She posted this in her blog a month or so before her near death:
I don't know when I'll die, I hope when I am 99 in my sleep, but whenever that day comes I hope that the people who come to the funeral, who weep because I am gone from this earth, I hope that they can honestly say that they saw Jesus in me, because without him I am nothing, with him I am everything I have ever wanted to be! He was 33 when he died, I was 33 when I was diagnosed with cancer. He loved children, I would love 4 more (yes.. I am crazy). He loved his father and obeyed him. It's taken me a long time and a lot of hard lessons, but I do my best to be a faithful obedient daughter every day of my life.

Unfortunately, due to the press around her suicide, there was no funeral.  No way to grieve.  I miss you Shanda.  Maybe someday I will understand.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

I have lost 36 pounds. I fit in size medium shirts and while they are a little tight, size medium shorts. People have started calling me things like "slim", "Skinny". I even had a local store owner hit on me in a joking, "if you weren't married" way.

I have been invisible and large for so long I have no idea how to handle all the attention. And if that wasn't bad enough, the ONE person I want to be proud of me and tell me I look good couldn't care less.

I need to remember why I started this journey. Why, after 45 years of apathy I decided to take charge of my life and actually live it. There are days where I measure myself on how I think people feel about me or view me. If I go by that scale I'll never measure up because I need to change how my "programming" works. The current program that "runs" me always assumes the worst. I don't measure up. I'm not good enough. I haven't tried hard enough. I need to change the program to be more positive. I do measure up. I am good enough. I have tried really hard. So many years of negativity are hard to overcome, especially when it is me repeating it over and over in my head. I do pretty good most days lately but its always so easy to slip backward. But I am on a journey...I've not reached the end yet and I hopefully have a long time to overcome these challenges!

Wednesday, May 05, 2010

"You and dad seriously never stop ruining my life" Gotta love texting.

Uncle...Uncle....Uncle...I give up!!!!

When I held my firstborn daughter in my arms, almost 18 years ago, for the first time...I never envisioned the drama and turmoil that the teen years consist of. I never envisioned that my daughter, the precious child I held almost 24 hours a day, would hate me and want nothing to do with me. If I had known that as a teenager, she would pull away from me when I hugged her... that she would stop confiding in me and that she would pull away so completely, I would have held her longer. I would have rocked her to sleep longer. I wouldn't have wished those days of a clingy toddler were over quicker. I would have cherished EVERY little clingy moment! I miss being the center of their world and when they are older and growing up...its kind of lonely.

Hopefully I will survive. Hopefully, one day she will treasure me as she once did.

Friday, March 05, 2010

On February 22, 2010 I turned 45 years old. I find myself standing at the edge of a figurative cliff. Years and Years of financial problems weigh heavily on me. I cannot fathom a day when I can go to sleep without worrying about how to pay some bill or pay for an event coming up for the kids. I am lonely and bitter much so that I don't really even like myself, and I find myself treating those I love (for lack of a better explanation) like crap. I am 60 pounds overweight. I am depressed and sad most days, angry others. I am beginning to freak out about spending the next 20+ years of my life in this hell of apathy and hard times.

Looking back on my life, there were only a few times where I truly felt loved and/or worthy of love. Sexually abused in my early teens for years, boyfriends who used me, a husband who does not really express in actions that he loves me leaves me feeling as if I am not worthy of any compassion or love. Because of financial and other stresses, my marriage has become more like a cohabitation, and worse than that, my "roommate" often makes me feel as if I have the brain capacity of an ant. The fact that I have ADD and often get scattered and unable to express myself adequately when flustered does not help.

I went from years of not drinking alcohol to drinking nightly for quite a long time, with my children often making fun of me or admonishing me out of their fear I was becoming a drunk. Fortunately I have backed off and no longer drink nightly.

Recently an acquaintance left her husband and daughter for a younger man, gave up custody but does want the occasional fun "dates" with her daughter. While I am horrified and upset at her betrayal to both her husband and daughter, a small secret part of me in the place that no one ever sees wishes I could run away and go somewhere and be someone else. How sad is that???

Do not get me wrong, I really love my husband and my girls...I love my job and the friends I have made. But there has to be something more to life doesn't there? God is forever my savior but I feel as though he has turned away from me.

How do I get back? Is there even a way?

Monday, March 01, 2010

"Act like an adult!"

How on earth can we admonish our children to "grow up" and "act like an adult" when adults do not even do that? I have seen it over and over and over in all types of organizations and environments. Adults just cannot seam to get along, work together or "play nice".

Everyone has their own agenda. Everyone has their own way of doing things and nobody is willing to bend (or very few are). Its FRUSTRATING!!! Grow Up!!!