Wednesday, March 28, 2012

The New Me...

I've been on a journey of self-discovery over the last year and a half.  Certain events helped change my outlook on who I am and what I want.  I'm not the same person I was back in August of 2010.  I remember thinking up to that point that I just needed to accept how things were for me.  I was overweight, that would never change.  I was unhappy and depressed most of the time.  I had VERY low self-esteem.  I felt used up.  

But, at the end of August of 2010, while driving home from my mom's house in Ohio, consumed with thoughts of how my life was, I decided something needed to change.  I was 45 years old.  I was unhappy and I suddenly got mad.  I was mad that this was where my life had ended up.  Very few of the hopes and dreams I had came true.  I was throwing my life away and caving in.  I was a passenger in my life sitting around and waiting for others to make me feel worthwhile.  How ridiculous it looks now, allowing others to dictate how I felt about myself.  I guess on the 4 hour drive back I came to the realization that the only one holding me back, was me.  I needed to stop waiting for everyone else to change how they treated me and start treating myself with the respect and love I was seeking.  

So I determined in that ride home that I was going to change.  I had a bucket list of things I wanted to accomplish and I was not going to just sit around and wait for the right moment...I was going to make those moments.  First one on the list was to join a gym.  I did this secretly.  I only told my oldest daughter because I was afraid that I might not stick with it.  I started going at lunch and working out and eventually signed up with a personal trainer - Greg.  My life has not been the same.  I work out religiously, and freak out if I miss more than two days in a row at the gym.  I lost 50 pounds and found a more self-confident, skinnier me.

Learning how to handle a gun was on my bucket list but I took it a step farther by wanting to get a concealed pistol license.  After all, if I am going to do something I might as well do it big!  On March 6, 2011 I signed up for a CPL class and found out I can shoot pretty good!  Finished the class and absolutely love shooting a gun.  New addition to the bucket list is "get my own gun".  I still have to get the actual license but its $105.00, almost have it saved up.

Then insanity hit and I decided I was going to do the Warrior Dash.  Anyone can do a 5K, but a 5K with obstacles is a whole other thing.  Again, why not go big!  My goal was just to complete the dash.  I was in better shape than I had been in a LONG time, but was still pretty big.  I completed the course in about an hour and a half and it was one of the most challenging things I have ever done.  I cannot even begin to explain the sense of accomplishment and elation I felt at the moment I crossed the finish line.  Of course my time wasn't the greatest but I completed the course!

Since starting this journey I have lost 50 pounds.  I am still getting used to the "new" me.  People treat me differently and its not necessarily because I am "skinnier", but because I seem to have a new found confidence that I haven't had in the past.  I still feel insecure but maybe not as much as I used to.  I actually accept compliments because I worked darn hard to get where I am.  I own every pound of fat I lost and I am proud of what I have done.

I've never actually felt more like myself than I do at 47.  I believe I have stopped being the best at what I felt others expected of me and just started being the best ME I could be.  Its a process, and I getting there slowly!

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