Its been quite awhile since I've posted a blog entry in this blog. So much has happened I don't even know where to begin. Its been a year of endings, of loss, of change. Facebook has been full of daily posts of thankfulness, even by me. But as the month goes on it is becoming harder to find things to be thankful for. Honestly its my state of mind that I need to change but its hard when so much of my life is not what I expected.
Yes I know that eventually I will be okay, that things will be okay. But its getting there that is so hard. Its a process I have to go through but I can't help wishing for a shortcut to get to being okay with being alone and on my own.
December 2, 2012. My husband's 50th birthday. He asked me if I was considering divorce and I was honest and said yes. That was the day I said out loud what I knew was inevitable. The truth is I had decided 3 years previously that our marriage was likely over. I didn't stop trying to save it but I guess I knew in my heart that it would come to an end. I've always know that. We went to counseling early in 2013 in a last chance effort to save what was beyond repair. We did try though. By spring we both accepted the inevitable and in June we filed and I moved out.
The months following my departure have been so very hard. I had to sell my horses as I couldn't afford to keep them. The girls, though they visit me, live with their dad in the house. I come home to an empty apartment every day. I've spent many moments curled up in a ball reduced to tears and an overwhelming sense of failure and loss. Even today, almost 6 months later I have moments filled with tears almost daily.
Our divorce was put on hold to file bankruptcy (another failure), which was finally taken care of this past week, so now the divorce can be taken off hold and proceed. I'm anxious to have it finished and move on but I also dread the day it is final. I wouldn't change my decision, but that doesn't make it any less hard for me, or for my ex I suppose.
But yet I do have things to be thankful for. I've made many new friends, learned lots of lessons. I have people who care about me and I have my girls. Even through the darkness and ashes of what was, there is always light.